I’ve decided to date myself for 60 days.
I could give you 60 reasons why being single is awesome, why
men are stupid and why I’m perfectly happy with the way my life is.
That would be a lie.
Truth be told, most of the time I feel like I’m crumbling. I
can’t seem to get my life in order. I fail a lot. Heck, I even failed the same
thing twice! It’s a problem. I keep waiting for my life to start. “Today is the
day!” Well, sorry Caryn but you’ve been saying that since you were seven. I
want to accomplish things, reach my goals, make people happy, make myself happy
and most of all I just want to be who God wants me to be. I know God made me in
his image and that I am my own person, but I doubt God delights in me when I’m
late because I lost something, when I lie because I’m embarrassed, or when I buy
things that aren’t necessary. The problems I have with myself are not personality-based. I am pretty much drowning in self-deceit. I know for a fact that
deep down, somewhere, is the Caryn who is….
-on time to things
-virtuous in all she does
-clean in body, mind, soul, bedroom, bathroom and car
-healthy because her body is important
-after God’s own heart
-content with what she has
-stylish but true to herself
-loving everyone, even those who make it really hard
-honest to all but kind, honest about her own limits.
-intentional
WHERE IS SHE?!?!!
Yeah, it’s kind of scary. I right now, am not those things.
I have some serious baggage to unpack. Don’t worry, this isn’t one of those
blogs where I throw myself a pity party and post creepy fake emotional pictures
of myself.
This shit is real.
I’m dating myself because I eventually want to marry someone
else. If I were to meet the love
of my life now, it’d be a disaster. I’d have to run home, put all my ‘stuff’
into trash bags and hope he doesn’t find them. I want to be who I want to be
for real; not hypothetically. What people see is a hot mess, what people see
get is an emotionally depleted girl who is dying for a date, drowning in her
issues, and hoping people don’t rub her the wrong way because she just might
burst into tears.
What I want is to be free..
I know 60 days
isn’t a long time. It took the Israelites 40 years in the desert to reach the
Promised Land! I chose 60 days because my friend is
getting married in June and I hear the best man is tall and handsome*
*I cannot be held responsible for what happens after 60
days.
Thanks for joining me on this journey. I am blessed to know
you!
I can appreciate the brutal honesty of your post. I have to admit I felt about the same for most of my 20's.
ReplyDeleteI received some advice after a tough breakup when I was about 26...It was the first time I'd gotten dressed and done my hair and attempted to go out and be social after the breakup (maybe 2-3 weeks after...in the interim I'd gone only to work but, literally had only showered, threw my hair up and put on scrubs). My friends invited me to a Memorial Day party (for a bunch of folks in NA/AA together - so there was burgers and soda). And I was by far the youngest one there - everyone else was in their late 30's - 50's...rough lives all of them - having been through the wringer, hit rock bottom, and were recovering from very serious addiction issues. I had been quiet all afternoon/evening - and there was a group of about 6 or 7 of us around this table on the porch. They noticed that I'd been real quiet - and I explained I'd been through a tough break up. They asked me some questions, which I answered and they laughed and said "oh hunny - if only I knew at your age what I know now."...and I looked at them with huge eyes...and was like "what the hell is that?? What am I missing???"
I was so angry that the world at large had been laughing at my pain all this time and no one had the decency to tell me this big secret??
Well the secret was just a hugely illuminating concept. In total - the concept is - in your 20's you screw all kinds of stuff up...and the world will take advantage of you (and then manipulate you into feeling bad about yourself)...and you spend a lot of your time frustrated and angry and feeling like you're constantly running towards a brick wall. And you're not good enough - and you really just need to get it together. And it hurts. It turns you into your own toughest critic, totally unforgiving.
The good news here is - when you get around to your 30's - you've got so much experience under your belt - you stop letting the world beat up on you so bad, and you start making better decisions. I know I had really turned a corner when I decided to start dialing down time I spent with people who were dragging me down, and dial up the amount of time I spent with people I admired, and who inspired me.
Now...I got this concept when I was 26 - and my life changed a lot in the following year because of it. I quit my job that was treating me like crap - and move to Chicago and got a real "grownup" job where they treated me with respect...and paid me properly. I got an apartment on the north side of Chicago with a roommate - even though I knew nothing of the city - and I ditched my car before I moved! I had already started down the path of taking the reigns before turning 30 - and I think its because of this very simple concept...I wonder if this same advice might be helpful in your quest even though you're only ... what 23?
I could tell you not to worry about being single - but I did the exact same thing. I'm not so worried about it now - but after dating for 17 years and THEN finding the right guy...I'll just say - hang in there - bring your lip sanitizer (you'll need it for kissing all those frogs) - and when the right one comes you will know. Oh - and try to have some fun along the way, ok?
~CB